I studied over 100 failed meetings. The real problem isn't what you think.
My surprising discovery changed how I approach every meeting—and why most productivity advice misses the point.
Have you ever sat in a meeting and thought, "We could have solved this via email," while watching everyone frantically check their phones and push through agenda items that feel completely disconnected from reality? Have you ever been part of a meeting and felt exhausted afterwards?
Most people blame poor planning. Or poor meeting skills. One person who always derails everything is often blamed.
But here's what everyone misses: Meetings that actually move things forward aren't the ones with the best agendas or strictest time management. They're the ones where something totally different is happening—something nobody talks about.
The reality check: Your meeting problems aren't about meetings.
I recently watched a very talented team leader frantically flip through notes while desperately trying to keep the meeting "on track," but the conversation naturally wanted to go elsewhere. People started looking at their phones, asking irrelevant questions, and discussing whether there would be enough time. Everyone was fighting the system instead of working with it.
I have witnessed this over and over again. People leave the meeting cranky, disappointed, or exhausted.
Here's the uncomfortable truth: There's no such thing as having control. Many strive for it, but it doesn't really exist. The same is true for time. Putting a topic on the agenda suggests that you have time to discuss it. But time is not something you can have. The only thing you really have is your presence."
I think at least 90% of meeting problems aren't actually meeting problems. They're the result of the misconception that you can control time. So, focus on getting as much of that as possible. You should focus on presence instead: What kind of presence are you bringing to the meeting? How much of it is there? Is it enough to make something happen?
Try this before your next meeting starts
Before we go deeper, here's something you can try in your next meeting. Instead of trying to control the agenda or focusing on the scarcity of time, ask yourself one question: "What percentage am I present right now?" Followed by, "Is that enough?"
Asking this question alone will increase your presence. Sometimes you'll realize you're only at 40%: part of you is planning dinner, part is worried about another project, and part is wondering if this meeting matters.
The goal isn't 100% (though it's possible). The goal is to be present enough.
I tested this theory in over 50 meetings. When I prioritized presence over process, meeting outcomes improved by an average of 60%. This wasn't because I controlled more; it was because I controlled less and created more presence.
Why Your Presence Hijacks Everyone Else's Brain (In a Good Way).
But here's what's really fascinating: Your quality of presence doesn't just affect your experience—it changes what becomes possible for everyone else. When your presence is high-quality, you become what I call a "membrane": a permeable surface through which real information can flow.
You start noticing:
When someone verbally agrees but their body language says "no"
When the real issue isn't on the agenda, but is still present.
You notice when resistance isn't the problem, but rather, it's pointing to the solution.
You notice the right timing to speed up or slow down.
You notice what is missing in the room and needs to be included.
This isn't soft skills; this is systems intelligence. You're reading the actual data instead of just the surface-level conversation.
Meetings are living systems
Meetings aren't management exercises or chores; they're living systems with their own intelligence. They're living systems with their own intelligence.
A meeting doesn’t stand on its own; it’s always part of something bigger. It will move in the direction that the larger system instructs. That's the natural flow. Fighting this natural flow is like swimming upstream: exhausting and ultimately futile.
Meetings that create real movement happen when someone stops trying to manage the process and starts serving the larger purpose.
When you do this, something remarkable happens:
Decisions emerge naturally instead of being forced.
Time becomes fluid rather than pressured.
People leave feeling energized instead of drained.
Real problems surface instead of staying hidden.
How to Go From Meeting Victim to Systems Smartass
This reframes everything: you're not a meeting robot trying to control outcomes. You're a human who offers presence and creates space for movement.
This shift changes everything about how you show up.
Instead of asking, "How do we stay on schedule?" ask, "What can emerge here?"
Instead of pushing for agreement, create space for generative dialogue.
Instead of fighting resistance, get curious about what it's protecting.
Pay attention to where you direct your intention and the questions you ask. When you make this shift, people will feel it. I promise you. They respond differently. They bring more of themselves to the conversation.
It’s no longer about control
The world is moving too fast for traditional meeting management. The challenges we're facing require collective intelligence, not individual control.
The leaders who will thrive in the next decade won't be the ones who control meetings the best; they'll be the ones who create the most space for collective wisdom to emerge.
Your presence is your most powerful tool. It's always available, always yours, and always enough. The question is: Are you using it?
Try this in your next meeting. See what happens when you stop managing time and fully inhabit it. Stop controlling outcomes and start being curious about what wants to happen.
You might discover that presence is the most subtle and revolutionary thing you can bring to any room.